Self-abandonment
Self-abandonment is a self-help term for repeatedly setting aside your own needs, feelings, values or boundaries to keep a relationship or avoid conflict. It's a pop-psychology concept, not a clinical diagnosis.
The longer explanation
The closest research concept is "self-silencing," developed by psychologist Dana Jack. It describes suppressing your own thoughts and needs to keep a relationship safe. Jack and Dill's (1992) Silencing the Self Scale linked this pattern with depressive symptoms in women. In attachment terms, self-abandonment often travels with attachment anxiety: shrinking yourself can feel like the price of staying close.
A line from r/AnxiousAttachment, recorded in this project's language research, captures the reframe: healing "isn't about loving someone less. It's about abandoning yourself less."
Example
You stopped mentioning the things that bother you, cancelled your own plans to stay available, and can't remember the last time you said "no" without apologising.
What it is not
Compromise and generosity aren't self-abandonment. The difference is whether it's mutual and freely chosen, and whether you're still in the picture.
Online use vs research use
This is mostly a self-help term. The research term is "self-silencing," which is narrower and is measured with a validated scale.
I stopped shrinking. Funny how the room still fit.
Sources (2)
- Jack, D. C. & Dill, D. (1992). The Silencing the Self Scale: Schemas of intimacy associated with depression in women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 16(1), 97-106 (peer-reviewed; accessed 2026-10-02)
- Mikulincer, M. & Shaver, P. R. (2003). The attachment behavioral system in adulthood: Activation, psychodynamics, and interpersonal processes. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 35, 53-152 (peer-reviewed; accessed 2026-10-02)