Attachment theory, in plain words

A

• Anxious attachment

  Anxious attachment (also called anxious-preoccupied) describes a pattern of worrying about rejection or abandonment and wanting a lot of reassurance from a partner.

• Attachment styles

  Attachment styles are shorthand labels for common patterns in how people handle closeness, dependence and fear of loss in relationships.

• Attachment theory

  Attachment theory is a framework, first developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby and developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, about how people form and depend on close emotional bonds.

• Avoidant attachment

  Avoidant attachment describes a pattern of discomfort with emotional closeness and dependence.

• Avoidant discard

  "Avoidant discard" is online slang for an abrupt, often cold ending by a partner after a period of closeness.

B

• Breadcrumbing

  Breadcrumbing is sending occasional, low-effort signs of interest, like a like, a late-night "hey" or a vague "we should hang out", that keep someone hopeful without any real commitment.

D

• Deactivating strategies

  Deactivating strategies are the ways the attachment system gets turned down when closeness feels threatening.

• Dismissive-avoidant attachment

  Dismissive-avoidant is one of the four adult attachment categories in Bartholomew and Horowitz's (1991) model.

• Disorganized attachment

  Disorganized attachment is a category that Mary Main and colleagues added to infant attachment research in the 1980s.

E

• Earned secure attachment

  Earned secure attachment describes adults who show a secure pattern even though they describe difficult or unsupportive early relationships.

• Emotionally unavailable

  "Emotionally unavailable" is everyday language for someone who struggles to share feelings, to offer emotional support, or to commit, often while staying in the relationship.

F

• Fearful-avoidant attachment

  Fearful-avoidant is the fourth category in Bartholomew and Horowitz's (1991) model.

• Future faking

  Future faking is describing a vivid shared future, like trips, moving in or meeting family, to win or keep someone's commitment, with no follow-through.

G

• Ghosting

  Ghosting is ending a relationship or connection by suddenly cutting off all communication without explanation.

H

• Hoovering

  Hoovering, named after the vacuum cleaner brand, is an attempt to suck someone back into a relationship they've left or are leaving.

• Hot and cold (push-pull)

  A hot-and-cold (or push-pull) relationship swings between intense closeness and sudden distance.

L

• Limerence

  Limerence is an intense, involuntary state of longing for another person, marked by intrusive thoughts, idealisation, and moods that rise and fall with any sign they might feel the same.

• Love bombing

  Love bombing is overwhelming someone with attention, affection, flattery or gifts early on, in a way that pushes the relationship faster than they would choose.

N

• No contact

  No contact is the practice of deliberately cutting off communication with someone, most often an ex-partner or a family member.

P

• Protest behaviour

  Protest behaviour is any action aimed at re-establishing contact with, or getting a reaction from, a partner who feels distant.

S

• Secure attachment

  Secure attachment describes being relatively comfortable both with closeness and with independence.

• Self-abandonment

  Self-abandonment is a self-help term for repeatedly setting aside your own needs, feelings, values or boundaries to keep a relationship or avoid conflict.

• Situationship

  A situationship is a romantic or sexual relationship that hasn't been defined.

• Stonewalling

  Stonewalling is withdrawing from a conversation during conflict: going silent, turning away, acting busy, or refusing to engage.

T

• Trauma bond

  Traumatic bonding is a strong emotional attachment that develops between a person being abused and the person abusing them.