Stonewalling

Stonewalling is withdrawing from a conversation during conflict: going silent, turning away, acting busy, or refusing to engage. The Gottman Institute counts it among the "Four Horsemen" that predict relationship trouble.

The longer explanation

In the Gottman Institute's description, stonewalling often happens when someone is "physiologically flooded": heart racing, stress hormones up, unable to process the conversation. The recommended fix isn't to push through. It's to agree on a signal to pause, then take at least twenty minutes apart to calm down before coming back.

In attachment terms, stonewalling overlaps with deactivating strategies. But anyone, at any attachment level, can stonewall when overwhelmed.

Example

You raise something that's bothering you. They stare at their phone, give one-word answers, then leave the room, and the topic never comes back up.

What it is not

Saying "I'm overwhelmed, I need twenty minutes, then let's talk" and coming back isn't stonewalling. It's the antidote.

Online use vs research use

Online, stonewalling is sometimes called a form of abuse in all cases. Gottman's framing treats it mainly as a flooding response. It becomes a control issue when it's used to punish or to shut down every hard conversation for good.

Your silence isn't a boundary if I'm the only one standing at it.