Hot and cold (push-pull)

A hot-and-cold (or push-pull) relationship swings between intense closeness and sudden distance. One or both partners alternate between pursuing and withdrawing, so the connection never feels stable.

The longer explanation

Research on on-again/off-again dating (Dailey et al., 2009) found these relationships reported lower satisfaction, more uncertainty and poorer communication than more stable ones. In attachment terms, push-pull often appears when one partner's anxiety (moving closer) and the other's avoidance (moving away) set each other off. It can also appear within one person who's high on both.

Unpredictable affection is psychologically sticky. The same intermittent-reinforcement mechanism shows up, in a much more severe form, in research on traumatic bonding.

Example

An amazing week, then three days of near-silence, then an apology and a perfect date, then distance again. You start living for the "hot" weeks.

What it is not

Normal ups and downs, like a stressful month or a fight followed by repair, don't make a relationship hot and cold. The term describes a repeating cycle.

Online use vs research use

Online, hot-and-cold behaviour is framed as passion or as "proof" someone is avoidant. Research suggests instability tends to predict dissatisfaction, not deeper love.

The hot and cold wasn't passion. It was a pattern.