Trauma bond

Traumatic bonding is a strong emotional attachment that develops between a person being abused and the person abusing them. Researchers Donald Dutton and Susan Painter described it in the context of domestic violence.

The longer explanation

Dutton and Painter identified two key ingredients. One is a power imbalance. The other is intermittent abuse alternating with kindness or affection. That unpredictable mix can make the bond stronger, which helps explain why leaving an abusive relationship is so hard and why "just leave" is unhelpful advice. Their 1993 study in Violence and Victims tested the theory with women who had left abusive relationships.

If this describes your situation, you deserve specialist support, not a sticker. See the resources at the bottom of this page.

Example

A partner who controls money and isolates you is cruel for days, then suddenly tender and apologetic. The relief of the tender days makes it harder to see the pattern.

What it is not

A painful breakup, strong chemistry, or missing an ex who treated you badly isn't automatically a trauma bond. Neither is a bond between people who went through a trauma together.

Online use vs research use

Online, "trauma bond" is widely used for any intense or unhealthy relationship. The research meaning involves abuse and a power imbalance. Using it loosely can minimise people living with real abuse.

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