Chapter 2 of 8
In love
What it looks like
You value independence and tend to handle things yourself. When a partner wants more closeness, more talk about feelings or more commitment, you feel a pull to step back, get busy or focus on what is wrong with them. You may not feel much worry about the relationship. The discomfort comes when it gets closer.
What helps Notice the urge to withdraw and name it instead of acting on it: "I need an evening to myself, and I'm not going anywhere." Practise small, low-stakes moments of sharing and asking for help. Ask whether the flaws you spot in a partner show up mainly when things get close.
With each kind of partner
With a secure partner
A secure partner gives you room without panicking. That makes it safer to stay close instead of pulling away.
With an anxious partner
Your retreat sets off their pursuit, which makes you retreat further. It is the most-written-about mismatch in attachment research and the one this brand talks about most.
With a fearful-avoidant partner
Two people who both pull away when things get intense can drift into parallel lives without ever having the hard conversation.
Keep going
Dismissive-Avoidant Push-Pull, for a Dismissive-Avoidant Partner: The Guide
They fade, you let them, and months later they're back like nothing happened. Why the quiet cycle feels easy to you, and how to step off it…
Why: hand-picked as a companion
Dismissive-Avoidant With a Fearful-Avoidant Partner: The Survival Guide
You both pull away when it gets intense, for different reasons. Here is how the drift happens and how to say what you want before it stalls.
Why: hand-picked as a companion
The Push-Pull Cycle: Why Some Relationships Keep Ending and Restarting
Why some couples break up and get back together again and again: the fast fearful-avoidant cycle, the slow dismissive fade and return, and…
Why: same topic: deactivation and distance
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- Guide Secure With a Dismissive-Avoidant Partner: The Survival Guide
- Guide Dismissive-Avoidant With a Secure Partner: The Survival Guide
- Guide Fearful-Avoidant Push-Pull, for a Dismissive Partner: The Survival Guide